What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Struggling With Infertility

When someone you love is going through infertility, it’s natural to want to help. But it can be hard to know what to say, and many people worry about saying the wrong thing. Knowing what to say to someone struggling with infertility often comes down to listening more, fixing less, and letting them lead. This guide covers comforting words, common phrases to avoid, and practical ways to show up.

This article is for education and support only and is not medical or mental health advice. If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out to a licensed professional. As an Amazon Associate, Fertility Mommies earns from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you.

Why the right words matter

Infertility can be isolating. Many people going through it feel invisible, especially when their grief happens privately, month after month. A thoughtful comment can make someone feel seen. A careless one, even well-meant, can make them pull away.

You don’t have to be perfect. What matters most is showing that you care and that you’re willing to learn.

Things that are helpful to say

These phrases tend to feel supportive because they acknowledge the pain without trying to fix it:

• “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Simple and sincere.
• “I’m here if you want to talk, and I’m here if you don’t.” This gives them control.
• “That sounds really hard.” Validation goes a long way.
• “How are you feeling today?” Asking about today, not the whole journey, can be easier to answer.
• “I’ve been thinking about you.” A short text can mean a lot, especially on appointment or test days.
• “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?” This helps you give the right kind of support.
• “Would you like me to check in on [date]?” Remembering important dates shows real care.

Things to avoid saying

Most of these come from a kind place, but they can land badly:

• “Just relax and it’ll happen.” This suggests stress caused infertility, which can feel blaming. Infertility is a medical condition.
• “Have you tried…” Unless they ask, unsolicited tips about diets, supplements, or positions can feel dismissive.
• “Everything happens for a reason.” This can make pain feel minimized or deserved.
• “Why don’t you just adopt?” Adoption is a wonderful path for some families, but it’s not a simple alternative or a cure for infertility.
• “At least you have one child already.” Secondary infertility is real and painful.
• “My cousin got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying.” Stories like this can make people feel like they’re doing something wrong.
• “You can have my kids!” Even as a joke, this can hurt.
• “When are you having kids?” Questions like this are better left unasked in general.

How to share your own pregnancy news

If you’re pregnant and your friend is struggling with infertility, it’s kind to tell them privately, ideally by text or email, so they can react in their own time. Something like: “I wanted you to hear this from me privately. I’m pregnant. I know this might bring up hard feelings, and that’s okay. You don’t need to respond.” Our guide on coping with pregnancy announcements while TTC shows what it can feel like from the other side.

Ways to show support beyond words

Practical help

• Drive them to an appointment or procedure.
• Drop off a meal after a retrieval or a hard result.
• Offer to walk the dog, run errands, or cover a task at work.

Thoughtful gestures

• Send a card that simply says you’re thinking of them. Encouragement cards can be easy to keep on hand.
• Put together a small care package with cozy items, like a soft fleece throw blanket, tea, or a favorite snack.
• Remember their difficult days, like due dates after a loss, holidays, or Mother’s Day.

For more ideas, see our gift guide for the fertility warrior in your life.

Respect their privacy

Not everyone wants their fertility story shared. Never pass along details without permission. Learn more about whether and how people choose to tell others about IVF.

Supporting a partner, sibling, or coworker

The basics stay the same, but the details shift:

• Partners may need you to share the emotional load and the logistics. Ask how you can help on injection nights or appointment days.
• Siblings and family members may be dealing with family pressure. Help redirect questions at gatherings.
• Coworkers may need flexibility. Offer to cover meetings without asking for explanations.

If you’re supporting a friend through treatment specifically, our guide on how to support a friend going through IVF has more tips.

What to do if you said the wrong thing

It happens to everyone. A simple apology helps: “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t realize how it might feel, and I want to do better.” Then let it go and keep showing up.

Frequently asked questions

Should I ask how treatment is going?

It depends on the person. Some people appreciate updates being asked for, and others prefer to share on their own time. You can say, “I’d love to hear how things are going whenever you want to share.”

Is it okay to talk about my kids around a friend with infertility?

Yes, you don’t have to hide your life. Just be thoughtful about timing and give space if they need it.

What if my friend pulls away?

Infertility can make social situations hard. Keep reaching out gently without pressure. A short message that says “no need to reply” can keep the door open.

The bottom line

Supporting someone through infertility isn’t about having perfect words. It’s about listening, avoiding quick fixes, and showing up consistently. A little thoughtfulness can make someone feel far less alone. Share this with friends and family who want to support someone they love.