Solo Motherhood by Choice: Starting the Journey
Deciding to become a parent on your own is a big, brave, and deeply personal choice. For some, it comes after years of hoping the right partner would appear. For others, it’s simply the path that always felt right. Whatever brought you here, solo motherhood by choice is a growing and well-supported way to build a family. This guide walks through the first steps, from fertility testing to finding your people.
This article is for education and support only and is not medical, legal, or mental health advice. Please talk with qualified professionals about your individual situation. As an Amazon Associate, Fertility Mommies earns from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you.
What solo motherhood by choice means
A single mother by choice (often shortened to SMBC) is someone who decides to have a child without a partner, usually using donor sperm, and sometimes donor eggs or embryos. Some people also become solo parents through adoption or fostering. The “by choice” part matters: it reflects an intentional decision rather than a circumstance that happened to you.
There’s no single profile of a solo mom. People come to this path at different ages, from different backgrounds, and with different support systems. Your reasons are yours, and they are valid.
Questions to ask yourself before you start
Before diving into logistics, many people find it helpful to reflect on a few questions, either alone, with a trusted friend, or with a counselor:
- What does my support system look like, practically and emotionally?
- How will I manage work, childcare, and finances on one income?
- How do I feel about using a known donor versus an anonymous or open-identity donor?
- How will I talk to my future child about their origins?
- What is my timeline, and how flexible is it?
You don’t need perfect answers to move forward. These questions simply help you go in with your eyes open. A guided reflection journal can be a helpful place to work through them.
Step 1: Get a fertility checkup
A good starting point is an appointment with your OB-GYN or a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Basic testing often includes:
- Blood work, which may include AMH and day 3 hormone levels
- A transvaginal ultrasound, often including an antral follicle count
- A check of your fallopian tubes, such as an HSG
- Infectious disease screening and other tests required for donor sperm use
These results help guide whether IUI or IVF is a better starting place. Our first fertility appointment checklist can help you prepare.
Step 2: Choose a sperm donor
Choosing a donor is often the most emotional and time-consuming part of the process. You’ll typically choose between:
- Sperm bank donors, who are screened for infectious diseases and often for genetic conditions. Many banks offer open-identity donors, meaning your child may be able to contact the donor after a certain age.
- Known donors, such as a friend. This can be meaningful, but it raises important legal and medical screening questions that you should address with a reproductive attorney and your clinic before moving forward.
Our guide to choosing a sperm donor covers what to look for, from medical history to personal values.
Step 3: Decide between IUI and IVF
IUI (intrauterine insemination)
IUI places washed donor sperm directly into the uterus around ovulation. It’s less invasive and less expensive than IVF and is often the first step for people with no known fertility issues. Learn more in what is IUI.
IVF (in vitro fertilization)
IVF may be recommended if you’re older, have lower ovarian reserve, have blocked tubes, or haven’t conceived after several IUI cycles. It costs more, but it may offer a higher chance of success per cycle for some people and the option to freeze extra embryos for future siblings.
Your RE can talk through which approach fits your age, test results, and budget.
Step 4: Plan for the costs
Solo parents often pay out of pocket for donor sperm and treatment, and insurance coverage varies widely. Costs to plan for include:
- Donor sperm vials and shipping
- Storage fees
- Monitoring, procedures, and medications
- Counseling, which some clinics require when using donor gametes
- Legal fees if you’re using a known donor
Our guide to navigating insurance coverage can help you find out what your plan covers.
Step 5: Build your support system
Support matters for any parent, and especially when you’re going solo. Think about:
- Friends or family who can come to appointments or help after procedures
- Online and in-person solo mom communities
- A therapist familiar with fertility and donor conception
- Practical helpers for after the baby arrives, like meal trains or backup childcare
Reading other solo moms’ experiences can be grounding. Many people find books about single motherhood by choice helpful for both practical and emotional preparation.
Frequently asked questions
Do I need a referral to start as a solo mom?
It depends on your insurance and clinic. Many fertility clinics accept self-referrals, so you can often call directly to book a consultation.
How many vials of donor sperm should I buy?
This depends on whether you’re doing IUI or IVF and whether you’d like future siblings from the same donor. Ask your clinic for guidance before purchasing.
How do I talk to my child about being donor-conceived?
Many experts recommend age-appropriate honesty from an early age. Children’s books about donor conception can help you start the conversation naturally.
The bottom line
Solo motherhood by choice is a thoughtful, intentional way to build a family. Start with a fertility checkup, take your time choosing a donor, plan for costs, and gather your support system. You don’t have to have every answer today. Take the first step, and let the rest unfold one decision at a time.